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February 16th, 2005

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January 25th, 2005

12:56 am You scored as Visual/Spatial. You probably feel at home with the visual arts, maps, charts, and diagrams. You tend to think in images and pictures. You learn best by looking at pictures and slides, watching videos or movies, and visualizing. People like you include sculptors, painters, surgeons and engineers. </td> Visual/Spatial 71% Logical/Mathematical 64% Verbal/Linguistic 57% Interpersonal 57% Bodily/Kinesthetic 57% Musical/Rhythmic 54% Intrapersonal 36% The Rogers Indicator of Multiple Intelligences created with QuizFarm.com

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December 11th, 2004

12:30 am A WHITE Dragon Lies Beneath! My inner dragon is one of two harmonious dragons (the other is Black). On the inside I am the perfect example of balance, patience, power, and reclusive intelligence. Evil-doers beware; my breath weapon is a combination of fire and lightning. Even the nicest dragons can do some serious damage. Click the image to try the Inner Dragon Online Quiz for yourself. Current Mood: amused

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November 28th, 2004

04:04 pm             neopets are love brought to you by the isLove Generator &             chocolate is love brought to you by the isLove Generator it's that easy. Current Mood: numb

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October 8th, 2004

03:58 am maybe i just posted this because i feel i drift away completely from realistic emotional, sensual you know what ideas of a relation ship. like as if i can't be hurt anymore.or as if i was looking for a reminder.. i even think that clinging on a dream of something so unlikely that is is near impossible saves an ideal, and it prevents from future disappointments. the latter is what i am doing i believe, a way to save myself now that i know what it is that i have to save myself from. sara says it's not totally wrong to love a "fantasy" as if it was real, especially if it feels like real *she grins at that, meh* funny enough that different people all know this in their own ways... Current Mood: cold Current Music: neubauten - stella maris

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December 18th, 2003

11:24 pm i actually always liked christmas, all the lights in this dark time of the year, and the joy most people seem to feel nevertheless, even the increased cooperativeness around. i know many people dislike christmas and deny that it moves anything in the hearts of people yet... i think it does. even the christmas hatred is a sign that people care... or even if it's just the rised number of alms collected. christmas had to me the quality of hope and belief in some way, for humanity, for charity, reflective for the love in our lives. it does feel less lonely than ordinary days i found, even if i only watched the other families gathering together, being myself alone. this year i do remember i've spend christmas alone last year... i had plans that for whatever reason didnt work out... i had no plans this year. i'm not going to make such plans again, they would only remind in the disappointmend they actually lead to. maybe i feel another kind of lonelyness this year that's more sad. i somehow feel it almost like a promise to myself, a present, to not let it happen anymore. like giving me myself back to christmas and not let it be shattered through another again. maybe i'm going to miss somthing this way, something i have belived in for a year and a half. maybe unconsciously and un-unfolded all my life before. a belief that's no more but a pious hope, or a little childs wish for things theyre not meant to have ... they'll grow older and remember how they had wished for a pony or a own pirateship to sail the seas, there's pleasure in this childish dreams too and in the memory of them. memories of these feelings are precious and worth keeping, as memories, not as regrets. Current Mood: melancholy Current Music: EN - redukt

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December 3rd, 2003

01:03 am Bat Genera: Pteropus Collective Term: A cauldron of bats Description This is a decidedly unconformist creature, for as an airborne personality, the bat tends to look down at the conventions of the ground animals. And yet, since it is not a true bird and having not mastered the art of smooth controlled flight, it often appears awkward in social situations. (Hence the term -- acting batty). But as compensation for this social ungainliness, many bat personalities sport a built-in radar, which enables them to intuitively read the motivations of others. Identifying bat personalities is not difficult. Being nocturnal creatures, they come alive at night and can be spotted in underground clubs or dimly lit bars. They prefer the sanctuary of dark clothing and dark corners, and you'll never see a bat sporting a heavy tan. These are intelligent, spiritual, creative individuals who use their full range of senses (other than their poor eyesight) to carefully navigate their way through life. Bats have a habit of flitting in and out of social situations, swooping down to interact briefly with others before quickly flying off to resume their bat lives. Unassertive and aloof, they'll take flight at the first hint of a confrontation to seek comfort in their personal spaces that are decorated in unusual but expressive ways. The bat's sixth sense gives it a number of advantages in its work, and its insightful nature enables it to understand others better than it understands itself. In the romance department, bats are enamored with the idea of love more than they are with its colder realities. Decidedly untraditional, they are prone to flights of extraordinary fantasy -- and it's not the traditional Ken and Barbie type of romance that tickles its fancy either. It's the Bram Stoker kind: dark, moody and gothic. Bat personalities have an enormous sense of loyalty and if you ever do a favor for a bat, it will never relax until it has paid you back. In fact, in nature, the bat is the only animal (other than man) to demonstrate true altruism when unrelated individuals will unselfishly offer food to a cave-mate without expectation anything in return. This powerful sense of quid pro quo is one of the defining characteristics of the bat personality and anyone should consider themselves lucky to be in a bat's good graces. Bats have no strong yearning for parenthood, for the kind of ego gratification that comes with having one's own children doesn't appeal to its karmic temperament. They are instead quite content to satisfy their maternal or paternal instincts by adopting or merely baby-sitting. If they do have children, they prove to be perfunctory parents: methodical yet unconventional . Still, bats place great emphasis on ethics and morality and insist that their children be indoctrinated in the values of good citizenship. Careers and Hobbies Psychiatrist Artist Social Worker Archeologist Writer Musician Socializing Philosophy Clubbing Spelunking Famous Bats Nostradamus, Gypsy Rose Lee. http://www.animalinyou.com/survey.asp Current Mood: calm Current Music: david bowie- panic in detroit

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November 15th, 2003

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November 12th, 2003

01:41 pm What will your last words be? by cum_on_bitch Your LJ username Your real name Your sex Your age Your last words will be... "FUCK YOU!" Created with quill18's MemeGen! yeah perhaps the last thing i'll ever say to anybody last night i was at a friends birthday party, i was a bit in a thoughtful mood. compaired to most other people at least, singing, karaoke, silly games, it's not necesserily what i like to participate in, unless i am really drunk myself. but it was pretty funny to watch them. my sis was also there, amused somehow, in her way. i feel observe by her whenever she's around, but we didnt talk much. actually after she and lego "killed" me our relation has become a lot better, respectful somehow, i dont know if it'll be ever warm and loving though. later i went to seels room, watching the pictures of echo he's still keeping there for me... some other people who also had enough of the extreme freakiness of celebration also came there to have some calm music and conversation. i more or less stayed by myself the last few hours, helping a bit in the kitchen and stuff. later i got to talk to seel a little, about what has happened with lego and his people, how irritating this still feels sometimes... actually i am too tired to write more,i just came home. i go to sleep. Current Mood: tired Current Music: crime and the city solution - the sun before darkness

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November 9th, 2003

03:21 am always entertaning Personality Disorder Test Results Paranoid |||||||||||| 46% Schizoid |||||||||||| 50% Schizotypal |||||||||||||||||| 74% Antisocial |||||||||| 38% Borderline |||||||||||||||| 62% Histrionic |||||||||||| 42% Narcissistic |||||||||| 34% Avoidant |||||||||||||||| 62% Dependent |||||||||| 38% Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||||||| 54% Take Free Personality Disorder Test Current Mood: okay Current Music: the cure - a chain of flowers

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November 3rd, 2003

02:54 am furk i once thought people very dear to me said they like me the way i am. but iam not sure if that's still true. not that necro was the dearest of all people. but if he speaks of people in general i think of people in general . i know not everybody thinks like him, but ... maybe a few too many anyway... the whole thought around pleasure in dying if you wont completely die anyway felt pretty disturbing to me too. yet, it was a serious approach in finding a way of dealing positively with the subject. i know, it's nothing better than not eating just cause i dont die, so i gotta live with being thin, or not working cause i dont have to so i gotta live with being homeless and poor. yet... i am used to these things. theyve become part of me, rather than having a steady home, cooking dinner formyself every night and buying stuff to fill a void... then he came and brought up the "boy-who-cried-wolf" story. yeah, admittedly i have longed for death as end enough in my life. dying as pleasure is just like a kick that deals with the matter. like entertainment. i thought this might help to deal with the wish to really die, to learn to enjoy the part of dying i can have at least. ofcourse, nothing should be overdone, but none said i was going to. however, iam glad sabrina said she doesnt think the " boy-who-cried-wolf" story applies here, that she doesnt have the feeling iam blackmailing people emotionally when i speak of the possibility to handle death in a somewhat different way. all i want is becoming more happy ! i want it because people want me to! and i want the people, i dont want to be alone. ofcourse, i dont know if this is a solution to deal with it the best. but it came up. i dared to speak about such vague weird thoughts and feelings, and that they were somewhat sensible was obvious from my 3 entries on dj last night i think. and the nightmares. well i AM confused about these thoughts myself. yet... they dont seem so wrong. anyway, once again iam afraid of losing people. the way necro put it it sounded so definite. like: go ahead ! you'll lose all your friends! you'll die for us and finally get what you want. sigh seems i start running from one journal to the other to vent about whats going on at the other place... Current Mood: crushed Current Music: Darkwood - Nachtgewitter

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November 2nd, 2003

08:24 am cant sleep. had nightmares. i had so fucked up thoughts before i went to sleep. some ( distraction ) Current Mood: cold Current Music: the cure - seventeen seconds

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October 31st, 2003

02:25 am Which Dyre Spirit Are You Most Like? brought to you by Quizilla using journals again...hm. made an entry on dj. i felt so tired of the things i felt like writing about at the one hand but also the incredible pointlessness to try to...find ways to deal with them other than just abondoning them from my mind and feelings for a while... as there were the loss of a whole bunch of friends. the uncertainty if one of those lost friends is still ok at all... a long and terrible story... and i am not welcome to do anything about it. from what seel told me lego still sees us as friends but there is another being claiming legos mind to be hers... blaming back at seel that he's nothing but sara ,the same'd apply to me too ... and what if, i would be still be me. using this topic as agresseive weapon to hurt eachother is so pointless. destroying things allaround. what if we are all just gods puppets. should we... just stop feeling as individuals... however... there has been a lot of silent grief. but ... i should have learned that i dont have to keep anything , and things i cling on, even if it's relationships, maybe the best thing about living, they can become to sources of greatest strain if one doesnt let go at the right time... letting go, at least for a while. i guess i need that. "would you die of grieving if i leave..." part of a song. it's so ironic. i wont die. if i die i return. so why care. does it matter if dying of grief hurts, exhausts,if there is no end anyway, if existance is eternal. i shouldnt be afraid of letting go. i shouldnt be mising things badly, not let yearning be selflacerting destruction. i shouldnt need things anyway. but i realize i have needs too, boring old topic, but this lj istn too much filled with it yet. inner peace seemed to be the last thing possible to achieve for me, but right now that is the one thing i found, for the moment. a time-out from all these ominous feelings . i dont think iam getting jaded though, the feelings sure return.. i do realize, if i can maintain a piece of inner peace this existence, as rollercosterlike it often is, should be well endurable, possibly good Current Mood: calm Current Music: echo and the bunny men - nothing lasts forever

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October 17th, 2003

11:39 pm eigentlich könnte ich hier auch auf deutsch schreiben ... but now a survey. in english A - Act your age - i dont know how old i really am, but i guess no B - Boyfriend - girlfriend C - Chore you hate - i'm fine with everything as long it doesnt require much physical strenght D - Dad's name - i dont know my dad or if i have one E - Essential make up item - nothing F - Favorite actress - kati outinen G - Gold or silver - either H - Hometown - nowhere I - Instruments you play - i tried keyboard once J - Job title - last thing i did was waiter and kitchen help K - Kids - none L - Living arrangements - living at friends houses M - Mom's name - i dont know my mom or if i have one N - Number of people you've slept with - - O - Overnight hospital stays - depends on what all is considered hospital... institutions that resemble hospitals and of what i can remmember it's maybe about 300 P - Phobia - never finding peace Q - Quote you like - Donnie: Why do you wear that stupid bunny suit? Frank: Why are you wearing that stupid man suit? R - Religious affiliation? - theres truth in all religions S - Sibling - my sister mirinda T - Time you wake up? - depends U - Unique habit - i stop breathing for fun sometimes V - Vegetable you refuse to eat - all W - Worst habit - wallowing too much in pessimistic thinking X - X-rays you've had - many Y - Yummy food you make - i have cooked, but i dont know how it tasted Z - Zodiac Sign - dont know if thats true, but it's said to be pisces/rabbit Current Mood: apathetic Current Music: the doors - hyacinth house

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10:26 pm now i have a livejournal too. weird thing is that a girl named sarah maintains luze already. so i go by luzifer here, which...oddly was still free... i start to feel ashamed for my ranting in my DJ, ashamed that there seems to be no progress, for not being clear at mind at all ... maybe i can ramble here to sort out my thoughts as i used to do in dj before, and then when i find out what i really think i can let all my friends over there know too. i dont want to be a pain in the ass for them, i am in fact afraid of losing my freinds, of being alone in the end. i am afraid of giving and taking, this was the last topic ranted about, and it still feels pretty distinct. i am back in berlin right now, and there were a few wonderful autumn days , the golden october light, the fresh air i missed badly after a while being permanently in a submarine... i have been told to return here and keep my senses open for what iam looking for, eventhough i still dont know what it is. but coincidence is a weird thing ... i met somone who looks like lego. he is a "hardcore-punk" . the way i met him was the strangest though.... a strange woman stopped me at the street calling me Volker, asking where i have been. i was very sorry for not knowing who she is, but isnt it strange that i do obviously resemble someone? she insisted in having a coffee with me and ask me a few things... well... and there were other people who seemed to think i am this volker, somewhat changed though as they say, but too similar to not be him. isnt that absolutely crazy? i let them show what i was supposed to know if i really were this volker ... someplaces i even know infact. some i dont. but somehow...there was a strange feeling of being familiar to ...these places, and the people. maybe, even if iam not volker, i can stay friends with some of them ... though it gets harder and harder to tell people who i really am ... i'm realize iam more and more spiriting away from a life embedded in "normal social structures" as i wished for for a long time ... but maybe the longing for it is also slowly fading ... Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: rem - losing my religion

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